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About Traditional Art / Hobbyist Member Hannah22/Female/United States Group :icongt-story-tellers: gt-story-tellers
 
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  • Mood: Zeal
Do you wrestle with something someone did to you a long time ago? You've forgiven them, you don't even see them anymore, but you know where they are and what they're doing. You know that they continue to do what they did to you, to others, that they continue to manipulate and lead people in the wrong direction. It kills me to think of the havoc they are reeking. And you can't tell anyone about the wrong they've done, because they, and others, have told you, it's a sin to talk about, even if those people aren't sorry or don't consider it a mistake.

Clearly, they have something to hide if they blackmail me into silence with, 'it's a sin- if you talk about you'll be dividing a church and if you desire to tell people, than you are a back-bitter, seeking division...... Losing Myself To God

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HBPen
Hannah
Artist | Hobbyist | Traditional Art
United States
"Let all the skilled artisans among you come, and make everything the Lord has commanded." Exodus 35:10

I don't have a preferred medium of art, I like to dabble in everything, BUT that being said, writing tends to be less frustrating to my perfectionist OCD lol. I have a million and one stories waiting to be written but I'm desperately trying to get this ONE finished, so that all my work can start to support me. I'm starting to try to not be such a perfectionist and see my art the way other's see it- so that I can take commissions and get the job done without becoming emotionally involved haha

I'm taking free commissions right now, I'd just absolutely be so appreciative of kind donations to my paypal account, to fund a missions trip this coming June. I've been charged not to talk about the trip over social media because it could endanger our chances of getting into the country, but if you have any questions, I can talk about it through email ;D So keep me in your prayers!

I really like g/t I just wish there was cleaner g/t- so, instead of just wishing, I hope to make my own. It's what I always do anyway. I see a movie or a book and I like the story or character so much I have to make one of my own the way I would have done it. I don't do vore, though I try to remain realistic while not being too graphic. I'm not going to write about pervs- it's just not happening.

I'm a Christian, no I was not brain-washed. I'm a Homeschooler, no my parents do not keep me in a closet. I'm a redhead, no I do no- OH WAIT. Yes I do have a temper.

Do Christians annoy you? Well, mean people annoy me. Tell you what, you can talk trash to me, if I can talk Christ to you. Fair is fair. ;]

Please do not try to talk to me through personal notes, unless I know you and have met you in person. I'd like to think anything you have to say to me can be seen by the thousands of other deviants. ;]

I love this! The following is written by CheyennevanStrange cheyennevanstrange.deviantart.…

Dear Acquaintances,

To the Sin family, of the House of Sin, in the Providence of Flesh, in the Kingdom of Satan:
Arrogance,
Pride,
Greed,
Hate,
Gluttony,
Lust,
Envy,
Sloth,
Occult,
And extended family

Consider this a formal declaration of war.

Goodbye,

- A Slave of Sin Saved by Grace

Current Residence: The Moon.
Favourite genre of music: Every genre you can think of [in the Christian catagory] EXCEPT Metal with ONLY screaming. lol
Favourite style of art: Anything that comes to mind.
MP3 player of choice: none, MP4 player lol, ipod!
Favourite cartoon character: Pooh Bear all the way. hahaha
Personal Quote: For if God is with is, who can be a against us? Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ.- AP

My blog: losingmyselftogod.blogspot.com…
Interests

Activity


The Briers by HBPen
The Briers
To my Lord be the glory, He is the artist; I am only the pen. <3 This was inspired by the Good Friday message at my church :]
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Where Is Your Sting by HBPen
Where Is Your Sting
To God be the glory, He is the artist; I am only the pen. 
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Little Wanderer by HBPen
Little Wanderer
Little thing inspired by Little Wanderer by Death Cab For Cutie. To God be the glory; He is the artist, I am only the pen :D
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:icongiantessuniverse:
GiantessUniverse Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2015
You seem to be a talented artist. I prefer giant women myself, but that's just me. If I may ask you a personal question, have you come to accept Christian beliefs on your own terms? I grew up Catholic and have seen many people of that faith simply abiding by Catholicism and accepting the beliefs without having a reason to believe in it. It would be nice to finally meet a religious person who doesn't blindly follow a religion simply because they were taught growing up that it was true. I myself chose to pursue a personal spiritual contemplation and ask myself questions about God that I had to answer outside of a Catholic context. I'm sorry if I'm treading on impersonal ground, you just piqued my curiosity when you said that you're "not brainwashed".
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:iconhbpen:
HBPen Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thankyou and I want you to know I'm actually happy to see your question :] I did grow up in the faith. My parents were Christians and my mother would teach us (my siblings and I) that God loved us and that Jesus was God. We were taught to say our prayers before we ate and before bed. We attended a private Christian school where we were taught the Bible every day as a subject. We attended church twice a week and my parents were very involved in ministry at church, where my uncle was the pastor. All of this was good, but almost, ritual. It wasn't personal, it was religion. My parents were young in their faith and I didn't realize how young until I was 16 and realizing how young I was in my own faith. To really get to your question, I have come to believe on my own, and I'll tell you the way that came about.

For a long time, I couldn't remember ever 'accepting Jesus into my heart' you know the way many Christian's say you must be saved. Because of that, I accepted Him in many times over and over in church and at school, whenever there was an 'altar call', the sad fate of a lot of Christians today, stuck in that phase. I didn't know if I was saved, but I had been taught that Jesus loved me, that was what kept me safe. Because I believed Jesus loved me and took the punishment for everything I did wrong, I wanted to loved Him back. I strived to obey and do what was right and not do what was wrong, and I thought I was pretty good at it; looking back I can see I was only good at it on the outside, but on the inside, I still was selfish and prideful. I had more Bible knowledge than some adults in my church and I prayed and talked to God, I depended on Him for things I couldn't control, which is all good, but I wasn't reading His word daily or receiving Spirit-led teaching from it (I'll explain that more later), which left me enormously vulnerable, and this is why. I was praying for a sister, I see now, because I wanted a best friend who would love and understand and care for me. He answered my prayer and I wasn't happy with what I got. I continued the search, and continued to be more and more disappointed in what I found. I ended up in an emotionally, verbally, and mentally abusive relationship, that I continued to put myself into, until I finally realized, I hadn't prayed in a long time. I was so low, I prayed to God to send me a friend, to send me someone to love me. I kept hearing, 'He sent Jesus' all over and I knew that in my head, but I guess I didn't really know it from experience.

I spent a good several years, with depression and looking for someone to love me and praying for someone to come, and believing no one around me could love me enough, and I convinced myself, even until recently, that a romantic relationship would be the only one to make me feel truly loved and understood. When I was 16, I hit the dirt. I found myself addicted to porn and into a lot of horrible stuff and my views on love and romance and sex completely skewed and corrupted. It didn't take more than a few minutes after I hit the dirt and looked around, for me to know I was going completely against God. I was appalled at myself and terrified of God. Some people might have tried to tell me I shouldn't have been afraid, but there is nothing wrong with the way I felt. God hates evil and destruction, and I was being consumed by it. My reaction on the other hand, was not right. I ran, for a good month or two, I stopped praying and went to church with my head down, keeping myself as busy and distracted as possible, but that only kept me 'enslaved' to this sin. I finally came back to God because I knew this of Him. He was good and perfect and He created me. There was no way I could run from Him, so I had to face Him, even if it meant being punished and hated by Him, I wasn't going to keep running because the stress was going to kill me. I was always like that when I was little. If I had was in trouble and my dad said, 'Remind me to spank you when we get home,' I would cry and beg him to just do it now, so I wouldn't have to keep worrying over it. I came crawling to God, I couldn't imagine looking at Him, I kept my head down and apologized for even being there, because what right did I have to even re-enter His presence. What made this all worse was that I knew Jesus had died for me, and I betrayed Him anyway. This cycle continued for what felt like months, although it was probably less, and I finally told God, 'I deserve to die for what I've done,' and He said, 'I already have.' Suddenly everything I knew about Jesus and the cross made infinitely more sense. I deserved to die, and He died because He knew I'd do this.

I'm sorry this is so long lol.

I continued on, but in the same way I had before, trying to do good by God. It was a horrible cycle and I was getting really confused about the whole Trinity thing. Jesus was God, but there was also God the Father and the Holy Spirit. It was confusing me in this way: when I prayed, I knew Jesus had forgiven me, but I felt the Father was angry still. I was sure Jesus was standing between us to defend me and the Father was only grudgingly forgiving me, so that His Son's death wouldn't be in vain. I had begun reading my Bible, something I was horrible at. I rarely understood what I was reading, and I rarely read, but I came across Isaiah 53 and 54. As I read, I remembered this time when I was 7 years old, and I had wanted to go to a "Bible Study" my principal was holding at my school. I thought it was weekly and I wanted to be involved lol, but it turned out, he just wanted to share the gospel with us. He read the verses 53:4-6,

"Surely He took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered Him punished by God, stricken by Him, and afflicted. But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on Him, and by His wounds we are healed. We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to our own way; and the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all."

I remembered the way it had all made sense to me, Jesus, dying for my sins, and how I had committed my life to Him then and how I had tried to tell my mom when I got home, but being 7, I couldn't remember where or what we had read. I kept reading the next chapter and found the verses that would give me peace in this next season, 54:4-10,

“Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame.
    Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
    and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
For your Maker is your husband
    the Lord Almighty is His name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
    he is called the God of all the earth.
The Lord will call you back
    as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
    only to be rejected,” says your God.
“For a brief moment I abandoned you,
    but with deep compassion I will bring you back.
In a surge of anger
    I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
    I will have compassion on you,”
    says the Lord your Redeemer.

“To me this is like the days of Noah,
   when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth.
So now I have sworn not to be angry with you,
   never to rebuke you again.
Though the mountains be shaken
   and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
   nor my covenant of peace be removed,”
says the Lord, who has compassion on you.

I don't know if those verses make sense to you, I'm always afraid something God told me won't make sense to someone else lol, but this is what hit me, "So I have sworn not to be angry with you." I clung to these verses, that God isn't angry with me, because the price is paid, and His anger and punishment was poured out on Jesus instead of me and that there is none left for me. He just gave me more on that subject too, on Good Friday, John 9:37-40

"All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away. For I have come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me. And this is the will of him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all those he has given me, but raise them up at the last day. For my Father’s will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day.”

 That the Father desires for me to be saved. Just now though, I noticed the earlier part, "Your Maker is your husband." I have still struggled with wanting a romantic relationship, trying to convince myself that my relationship with God could be deep enough to satisfy my soul. But even then He was trying to tell me it was, that what I desired and thought I could find in a husband- love and understanding and pure companionship- can only be found in Him. 

I want to touch on the 'Spirit-led' teaching I talked about waaaay up there. The people around me were not mature Christians and the church I was attending, never taught me what I needed to know. My family was, two years ago, asked to leave that church, and we did, and we began attending the best church I have ever been to lol. Hearing the pastor teach for the first time was like a breath of fresh air, and I hadn't realized how thirsty and hungry I had been to hear the word of God until I heard it truly taught. It's not the pastor, it's not the way he teaches or the way he was taught, it's the Holy Spirit. He brings up points out of scripture that he couldn't have come up with on his own. I don't know if you've ever experienced that but it's amazing to get a realization in yourself or hear someone say something, and you know it was God's Spirit revealing it. My family has grown more in the last two years of attending this church than the 16 years we spent in our first church and it's God doing it. 

Blindly believing in something, isn't truly believing in it. God doesn't want us to sit in church and believe everything the pastor says, He also doesn't want our dealings with Him to be ritual and dry. He want's us to search to know Him. Jeremiah 9:24,

""but let the one who boasts boast about this:
    that they have understood and known me,
that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness,
    justice and righteousness on earth,
    for in these I delight,”
declares the Lord."

All God wants is for us to know Him, that's why He died for our sins, not because we were worth saving, but because He wanted to give us the opportunity to come into His very near presence and know Him. God is still trying to teach me that He loves me unconditionally, no matter what I do. I get into these moods, where I'm trying to do everything right, and I forget I don't have to, all that matters is He loves me, and He wants me to spend time with Him, but I'm over here, a little sheep with no thumbs, trying to build something worthwhile to impress Him or earn His love or forgiveness. And He's just like, "I was mutilated for you, there's nothing else you can do, just get over here and let me love you."

I want to finish with this, sorry sorry sorry this is ssooooo long haha. This morning, I messed up and stumbled back into sin, and I was so angry with myself and was apologizing to God. I got up and continued with my morning, thinking of how I could make my day profitable to God, I guess, how I could make it up to Him. I had let my dog outside, she's a tiny chihuahua, and it had been half an hour, our other dog had already come back, and she was coming when I called. I went out to look for her and I looked until my brother and sister-in-law came home. They started helping and we all had skimmed the backyard and the house and front yard multiple times for an hour. I was getting really scared, I was praying and asking God if He would just let me find her body, even she was going to be gone today, I just needed the closer, I couldn't handle her just being lost, because I was thinking of all the horrible things that could be happening, and that my mom had seen a hawk flying low around the yard yesterday. My brother finally took his car and started driving around the neighborhood and I went back out to the back again. For half an hour I kept looking and I finally broke down actually stopped what I was and started talking to God. I gave in and prayed that she would be okay, somehow, though I couldn't see how. Before I finished praying, I heard her bark and I bolted up the hill. It sounded like she was at the back door, but I didn't see her. I felt like I had been stupid to hope. I thought of how there was no reason He should bring her back and do anything for me, not only was I a failure in all things, but I had demonstrated it this very morning and kept wanting to just say it was over. I was too afraid to pray for her to be okay and come back, because why should He give me what I want? But I gave in and said, "God I know I'm a failure in all things, but your grace abounds and overflows and I know You care about how I feel and want to give me the good desires of my heart." Again, before I finished praying, I heard my brother behind me and I turned around and he was holding the dog. 

It sounds sooo silly to use this as an example, but I'm still hit by this today. I really believe God gave her back to me when I prayed. There's no way the three of us could have torn apart the yard the way we did, looking for her, and not have found her if she was there. I think God just wanted to show me how much He cares about every little care I have in my heart. He has the power to help me and, even better, actually wants to give me the small, menial desires of my heart. I wouldn't hold this as a deal breaker with God, I was already prepared to continue my relationship with Him, whether He gave me what I wanted or not, the point is God wants us to know Him, like knowing that He cares about every little thing in our lives.

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:icongiantessuniverse:
GiantessUniverse Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2015
Interesting. Well, take care.
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:iconsammigruber:
sammigruber Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2015
i love you drawings :)
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:iconhbpen:
HBPen Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thankyou so much, it means a lot, I feel like I've just recently gotten the hang of things XD
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:iconsammigruber:
sammigruber Featured By Owner Apr 3, 2015
thats good and thanks for the llama
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:iconsatandevil666:
SatanDevil666 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2015  Professional Traditional Artist
HAIL SATAN!!!!!!
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:iconhbpen:
HBPen Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Lol
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:iconsatandevil666:
SatanDevil666 Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2015  Professional Traditional Artist
yep. for he is good.
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:iconhbpen:
HBPen Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
It's a lie you know, but I get the feeling you're trolling.
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